SEARCHING FOR OUR SAVING GRACE * /

[JEREMY STEVEN WHITE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 380px; background-color:#FFFFFF; border-left: 3px solid #000000; border-right: 3px solid #000000;] you said i'm crazy, IF I'M CRAZY FOR YOU

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jeremy liked being away from home. it felt nice to actually travel the world without the supervision of parents or the hassle of being a little kid who needed tending to every second there was free time to do so. jeremy sat on his bed, his legs shaking as he played with the plane ticket in his hand. it wasn’t like jeremy never visited evan before, it was just that this time jeremy was doing it because he missed evan. the sky was still a slab of bright blue that would ebb away to watery reds and oranges that blended to runny yellows and he would smile to himself because he would still be able to see the moon. jeremy sat on his bed for a few minutes, thinking of all the things he brought with him, wondering if he made sure to bring necessities. he could feel a pang of worry hit his chest and he shook his head. being nineteen, jeremy thought he would be ready for this. his parents seemed happy that he was going to fly out to see evan, their smiles kind and reassuring, which did help. it wasn’t like jeremy and evan were exactly the couple that everyone had known about, they didn’t. no one knew. jeremy placed his head in his hands for a few seconds and mumbled, “no one is going to know.” to himself before getting up and getting his stuff ready.

the taxi ride to the airport was calming. jeremy fidgeted with the ticket in his hand the whole ride though, the driver making a joking comment about how jeremy must’ve been visiting a nice girl to be acting like that. jeremy smiled to himself and only said, ‘yeah, something like that

[/color]’ and he suddenly felt older. jeremy felt so tired in that moment, his eyes on the verge of closing completely. the silent lull of the car driving over the newly paved parkway made the ride even more calming. he took out his phone and typed evan a quick text of: ‘hope you’re excited to see me, and please be up when i get there.’ as a silent joke for how much evan could sleep in a day. it was weird that just last summer it was when evan and jeremy were silently kissing, drunk, during a tour barbecue. how evan held onto jeremy’s elbow tight, a vice grip locking around his bones as jeremy silently pressed his lips to evan’s and everything fit into place. they weren’t looking for an out, for an escape, they were looking for one another. the silence of their relationship keeping it pure and new. jeremy laughed quietly to himself about how many girls asked jeremy or evan if they were dating another.

“thanks,” jeremy said to the driver as the car started and drove away. the airport was bigger than jeremy had expected, feeling a sudden fear gripping at his bones again. he gripped onto his plane ticket tighter and went into the airport. despite it being early in the morning, the sun just now peeking out of the clouds, the airport was full of people. it seemed as if thousands upon thousands of sardines were packed into one can. after checking in and security and jeremy nervously fidgeting on the plane, it was time to take off. he was sat next to a quiet woman who looked too tired and quickly fell asleep within the flight. jeremy wish he could text evan, to get him to wake up, to get evan to help him reassure his nerves. “it’ll be okay, jeremy,” he whispered quietly to him, feeling his knuckles tighten as he thought about how close he was getting to evan. it ached to think of how far he away he was from him, and maybe other people were better at this. that other people could withstand long distance relationship. evan and jeremy would skype sometimes, but mainly they texted and sent instant messages to one another until the late hours of jeremy’s place and the even later hours of evan’s. jeremy slipped his hand into his jacket pocket, fumbling around with the groove of the key to evan’s place. it felt like a heavy weight of reassurance to jeremy. that everything was alright, that everything was going to be okay.

florida was hot. jeremy sighed softly, shucking off his sweatshirt as he looked around. the sun was beaming high and hot now, streaming heat onto his dark clothes. he knew he should’ve worn something lighter. after a some time, jeremy was finally in a taxi and he reeled off evan’s address and suddenly felt lighter. everything was okay now, everything was going to be okay, hopefully. jeremy could feel the excitement thrumming in his veins as he got closer. maybe it was the childhood excitement in him that never left, like how every time they went to disney world, jeremy would stay up all night and sleep the entire plane ride or road trip down. only this wasn’t the case because jeremy was seeing someone he deeply cared about now. someone he could finally hold and kiss and someone who could hold and kiss him back. he’s missed the touch of evan, his soft hands over jeremy’s skin. the only reminder he’s had were the phantom touches he would think of in his late nights where he wouldn’t be able to sleep, or his dream where he could only picture evan and how much he missed him.

coming up to evan’s apartment was reliving. jeremy broke out in a small smile as his hand fumbled for the car door handle and he got his bags out of the car. he paid the taxi driver, and soon it was just him in the quiet parking lot. jeremy reached around his pockets for the key that evan gave him, his hand shaking slightly as he gripped it hard enough for it to imprint into his skin. walking up the stairs, jeremy got to the third floor and went down the hall until he found evan’s room. he swung him sweatshirt over his shoulder and opened the door quietly, instantly hit with the cool breeze of the air conditioning. he closed the door and placed his stuff down quietly, just in case evan was still sleeping. “hello? evan, are you up?”
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TAGGED: STEPH AS EVAN WORD COUNT: 1, 058 NOTES: SORRY FOR A CRAPPY BEGINNING BUT YAY FOR THEM :C

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i love brooklyn from caution !!!

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[EVAN ELIAS SAUNDERS]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, margin: auto; width: 400px; background: #c7e0d6; opacity: .8; border: 3px solid #000000; padding: 15px; line-height: 85%;] - - - - - - - - - if this is love, it's all i'll ever need whenever i'm away from you i feel so incomplete - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - fuck. it was only four in the morning and he was awake already. this was not at all ever part of evan's daily plan, with the minimum hour he'd crack his eyes open being noon or eleven at the earliest whenever he wasn't on tour. and that was being quite generous. the sky from the hours of night before were beginning to lighten up a little as he noticed the color's lighter shade of dark peeking through his blinds. no, he never slept with his blinds cracked open even just a little bit, either - but evan knew that with his hibernation-like sleep he would need to do what it took to wake up earlier today. he rolled over in his bed, bare back softly sinking into his bed, the memory foam caving in to match the contours of his body as he switched positions and folded his arms across his chest. the hum of the air conditioner in his apartment was enough to make him not go crazy from the silence that night gave him - that's why he slept, cause you were supposed to pass that silent time in your own dreams. evan hated total silence, anyway. it reminded him how alone he really was and used to feel, and he hated going back to that. but at least, he thought to himself, he wouldn't be alone in about twelve hours when he would find himself in bed again. letting out a long and drawn out sigh as he rubbed his eyes a little, evan stared at the blank ceiling and contemplated counting sheep. did that even work? oh well, it sounded stupid, who even thought of that anyway? if he couldn't sleep, he might as well start it early. evan moved his arm, fumbling for his phone wherever it might have been in his personal sea of pillows and blankets, finally finding it near his knee. as he wondered how much he had tossed in his sleep to have it get there, he noticed the alert message to remind him of today had popped up, and he ran his hand through his hair as he smiled to himself a little. evan scrolled through his text messages in the first thread on his list, all from jeremy. looking at the timestamps, seeing how late they had run on eastern time, evan stifled a yawn. hours and hours of back and forth messages, cute things to and from jeremy, the words in jeremy's texts clearly conveying all the happiness and excitement that he had for today. he contemplated sending a little something, a nice message to make him smile whenever he checked his phone, but evan stopped himself. he knew by now that jeremy would probably wake up at the buzz of his phone and the sound of his specific text tone to reply, and he needed to get his sleep for that flight in the next couple of hours. that's why they stopped texing a few hours ago anyway. evan sighed, putting his phone back on his nightstand and turning over to his side, resting his head against his hands on the pillow. stupid time differences. it was hard to have really good friends in other states that you couldn't really visit all too often on a whim, but it was even harder to have an interest in another state, especially one across the country. sure, you could say that evan was a little bitter about how fate played out with this situation, cause of course it would have to involve someone miles away, someone that lived so far he couldn't just hop into his car at random and drive out and be there in five minutes if he wanted to. and he had to say, even if he didn't always show it at all whenever he talked to jeremy about their distance, he really, really hated it. oh yeah, fate. evan kind of believed in that stuff, that things happened for a reason in order to make you grow and get stronger as a person. he guessed he could cop it up to fate putting him in a band, putting his band on tour with jeremy's, getting them both super drunk and then leading to their passionate secret hook up. yeah, sure, that was fate. eyes wide awake now as he stared up and remembered the previous summer, the flashbacks of the moments were running through his head like a motion picture against his stare of the white ceiling above him, every frame of the memories going by with each time he blinked. what started as an acquaintance turned into a friendship, which turned into a bromance and a little more than that after the aforementioned hook up, and in turn that evolved into their relationship. each step in their development past friends and a tour bromance was a fickle thing, something that needed to be handled with precaution. he was a VERY private person to begin with, not ever throwing out his relationship statuses and broadcasting hookups and the like. hell, nobody even knew he was bisexual either, not any of his band members at least. at times evan felt guilty for hiding these things, but at the same time felt like he should get some respect for his privacy, and already knowing the way the industry worked with gossip he wanted to do all he could to keep himself out of it, even if in the long run it would be hurting that very cause to begin with. but whatever - he was living in the now, and now was hours away from seeing his best friend and the only person who ever really made him feel whole. a blink later from the last close of his eyes he could barely remember, evan found the sun. shining brightly, it blinded him as he opened his eyes for the morning. groaning from the impact of the light against his eyelids, he turned over again, seeing the alarm clock reading eleven fifteen. well, at least he got his sleep and woke up at an hour close to his "normal." he repeated his earlier process, reaching over for his phone, and he saw that jeremy had left him a message. hope you’re excited to see me, and please be up when i get there. he chuckled a little as he texted his reply - super excited, of course. you're probably on the plane now, but i can't wait to see you. fly safe. boy, jeremy would be proud of him, he thought as he began to move out of bed. it was early, and he was up, and he was ready to actually have a day. he lay in bed for a few seconds as he hesitated, running through his mental to-do list before jeremy got to the airport, and this was always the part where he was starting to feel the nerves. these visits were all they had with jeremy all the way in arizona and he in florida, and evan always felt like he owed it to jeremy to make it all the best he could. he never thought that anyone would do this for him. as he checked the time again evan felt bad for how early jeremy must have had to get up to catch his flight from arizona in order to get there at a time where it was still light out. he wasn't -too- worried, since he knew jeremy was a morning person, and overeager. he didn't mind it all too much, he thought it was cute and of course characteristic of someone young at nineteen with a serious interest. the whole thing was already practically some sort of routine for them after a year now, so he knew he shouldn't sweat it too much. all he had to really worry about was if everything in the apartment was clean...and over what he should wear today. after his shower, evan stood in front of his mirror, buttoning up his shirt. he hoped jeremy would like how he looked with the facial hair that wasn't there last year, it having been something new that he stuck with; and he also hoped he would notice the shirt, the same one he had been wearing the first night. that was the kind of person he was, putting out the most subtle yet sentimental things, and it played in very well with his secrecy, their secrecy. he ran his errands to pass the time, picking up some alcohol at the store along with groceries for their dinner tonight, and by one he was back at his place, his hearing heightened now that the time of jeremy's arrival was closer. he felt for his phone in his pocket, and it was weird that he hadn't gotten a text back after the time had passed where he knew that jeremy was landing at the airport. he glanced at the door a few times as he moved throughout his apartment, and to go with his fidgetyness that seemed to kick in with his nerves, he went around and opened up blinds and did last minute cleaning before he decided to lie down for a while again - maybe closing his eyes, since he was so good at it, would help the time go faster. as he laid against the neatness of his bed, evan's heart felt a little twang and lept a little bit at the thought of how he wouldn't be alone here starting tonight, lasting for the rest of the week. he knew that jeremy was needy, and he liked being needed, but he always had trouble showing it. he remembered the night before how jeremy had talked about that in his quiet voice, asking if he was sure that he wasn't annoyed at him ever and saying he wouldn't come if it were a bother. and evan reminded him how he wouldn't have finally given him the spare key the second to last time he had been there, before promising that this week he would make sure he showed that he never thought he was a bother. really, this felt like it was taking forever. evan hated waiting, especially if it was for someone he really liked. he counted his breathing pattern with the seconds that added up to minutes going by. there were so many noises both above and outside his apartment that were decieving him, and he was trying to ignore it. but the noise of a front door wasn't from the upstairs, and the click and turn of his bedroom door soon after wasn't decieving. evan opened his eyes and sat up quickly, feeling like a puppy who had just been told they were going to play fetch, and instantly he regretted it after feeling the blood rush quick through his head as he fixated his eyes on jeremy, in the flesh. "like a zombie from it's grave," he said as he rubbed his head, trying to be clever with his words and his smile. "i bet you're proud of me, being up already. i bet you thought i'd still be sleeping, didn't you?" evan slowly got up from the bed to greet him, almost as if it was a careful reunion and they were afraid of each other. it was always like this for the first moments, both of them being cautious and afraid if what once was couldn't change to what it currently is. "but, you made it." he beckoned jeremy over towards him, and with his arms wrapped around the younger man's body, he brought him in close for a moment, just the two of them standing there in that initial hug and clinging to each other, and evan made the first move and tilted his head to enable the first of many kisses for the week. when they broke away for air, evan touched jeremy's arm, rubbing it in a comforting manner - the one that always conveyed the unspoken 'it's okay, no one can see us here, we're fine, no one will know or care here' cue that they had together. "hi," he said quietly as he tapped jeremy's nose, something he always did to poke a little fun of his height, and he made a gesture around the room with a growing smile. "welcome home for the week." for lizz / 2063 words / i swear it was only 1600 the last time i checked )x but omg dshfgfds.

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[JEREMY STEVEN WHITE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 380px; background-color:#FFFFFF; border-left: 3px solid #000000; border-right: 3px solid #000000;] you said i'm crazy, IF I'M CRAZY FOR YOU

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jeremy never wanted to mess with fate. thinking of his life, he had to admit that lady luck was on his side. silently, jeremy would thank whoever was up there every single day for what they gave to him. he didn’t really deserve it, in his mind. sure, he was nice and quiet, but just because of those things didn’t put him up for everything he got. something always seemed to go right for him, and he didn’t know why or how. why it was always him. jeremy could remember last summer clearly. being a new band and finally going on their first tour and how he tried to call his parents every night and say ‘good night’ to them. how love lost city gained a loyal fan base and he was just on top of the world. the one thing he remembers the most of was evan. it seemed like an instant connection between the two. they were always together, whether it was just for a few minutes before either of their bands had to go on for a show, or whether it was for the night when they would hang out. it wasn’t supposed to lead to a relationship, jeremy knew. during that faithful barbecue, jeremy never expected it. to find evan tugging him away, his face broken into a heavy drunk smile and his eyes smoldering in their own haze of delight. jeremy couldn’t help but break into a smile whenever he thought of the memory, and he covered his mouth with the tips of his fingers gently to hide his smile. he thought of how evan fiercely gripped him as if he were going to runaway, and their lips pressed close. how it felt so undoubtedly right at the time. how jeremy kissed back with just as much drunken passion that evan would kiss him back with. their relationship started from that day on. jeremy didn’t mind privacy, he didn’t mind not having to hold evan’s hand or doing anything coupley in public. it made it more private and special to jeremy, how dear and near they would treat each other in private. in the safe quarters of their own rooms where they doors were closed and it was just the two of them. their relationship was private enough, that many people thought jeremy and evan were just best friends. that they were straight and maybe they were talking to girls to get together with. sometimes, jeremy would wish that they weren’t like this so much. that maybe sometimes jeremy could kiss the side of evan’s mouth gingerly in a hello in front of people, but it wasn’t a loss to him if he only did that behind closed doors. after all, the gossip columns would eat that up like bloody thirsty animals if they figured out what evan and jeremy were hiding from the world. jeremy didn’t care for the future, he cared for evan right now. he probably always would care for evan, whether or not they were found out and their cherished privacy would be ruined, jeremy wouldn’t care. not as long as he had evan.

jeremy could feel his nerves getting the best of him. it wasn’t like this was the first time, it wasn’t. jeremy always flew out every couple of months to see evan. it seemed to be some sort of ritual that jeremy would silently ask evan if he could stay for a bit of time. even though jeremy was overeager and the needier of the two, he was always cautious when it came to evan. evan was a complicated make up that jeremy adored, but sometimes it felt like hit or miss. that sometimes jeremy felt more invested in everything, which was ridiculous. it took a lot of courage and patience and clever ways to make sure people didn’t notice. it felt like jeremy was never more invested in something other than this. he could feel his body in a slight jitter before he fell asleep, before the woman rested her head on his thin shoulder and silently dozed off. he thought that maybe this is what it felt like to be with a woman, to have her gentle face resting on your skin. to turn your head and smell their shampoo and guess what it is, and it felt wrong to jeremy. he wanted to feel evan’s clean hair that smelt like the shower gel he kept in his shower. he wanted to hold his hand gingerly, and have his voice ease him into flying. jeremy always hated flying, one of his irrational fears that he seemed to never get over. jeremy simply closed his eyes and counted in his head until he lost track and everything blurred together and sleep became sleep, an exhaustion that wrapped around him and kept him asleep until the end of his flight.

going into evan’s room seemed right. jeremy smiled lightly as evan rushed up. he was wearing the shirt where they first kissed, and jeremy felt a warm clench around his heart at the thought of it. jeremy could only smile and admire how of course evan would be sleeping when he came in. “were you napping or were you just resting?” jeremy asked jokingly, a bright smile washing over his features. he laughed quietly and said, “i know how hard it is for you to get up when you’re out. believe me, i know.” he walked over to evan and felt a strong hold around him. it felt like home to him. he gingerly placed his nose between the juncture of evan’s neck and shoulder and smelt his body wash and the hint of cologne, and jeremy only felt more in need to tighten his grip, which he did. it felt like everything else, but evan was foreign to him. they were tender and cautious, despite the well known need and maybe even love bestowed in their bodies. “i did make it, i promised i would,” jeremy whispered to him. it felt as if they were going to normally talk that it would break their moment between them. it felt like their bodies were awakening and renewing one another. jeremy wanted to be enveloped in evan’s warmth, to be peppered in kisses and held close and fawned over. jeremy thrived on the attention evan gave him in private. jeremy smiled up at evan, lips curling in a shy smile as he felt evan’s arms wrap around him, comforting in their touch as he rubbed jeremy’s arm. he felt his eyes raise up to evan’s own eyes and their lips touched. jeremy closed his eyes and his hand went to the nape of evan’s neck and curled in the soft hair at the nape. jeremy gently batted away evan’s hand as it poked at his nose. “haha, i’m not that short, am i?” jeremy joked, his voice rough from the kiss. “hi,” he whispered back, and smiled and kissed evan’s neck gently. “home for the week,” jeremy said quietly, savoring in the sentence. he looked at evan gently and said, “so what do you have planned to take me around town and show me the time of my life?”

TAGGED: STEPH AS EVAN WORD COUNT: 1, 437 NOTES: THIS IS SO SHORT OMG SORRY ;~;

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i love brooklyn from caution !!!

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[EVAN ELIAS SAUNDERS]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, margin: auto; width: 400px; background: #c7e0d6; opacity: .8; border: 3px solid #000000; padding: 15px; line-height: 85%;] - - - - - - - - - if this is love, it's all i'll ever need whenever i'm away from you i feel so incomplete - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - "just resting my eyes," he said, "but you probably don't believe me, do you?" evan's smile was growing with every passing second in this moment. the first few minutes were always the best, the ones that he hoped to savor and remember for the future just to have whenever he was alone and missing this feeling, the feeling of how worth it it all was. "it's only hard to get up when i don't have a real purpose or set task for the day, man. if i know i have to be somewhere i'll be there and work twice as hard to get myself up." evan was feeling jeremy's arms tighten his grip around him and he sucked in a little more air within each breath he took to lessen the lightheaded feeling he was getting from both being in the same room as jeremy and the after effect of sitting up too quickly. his own arms also held on, less cling-like but still firm, and his hand made it to jeremy's hair as they stood there. kissing the younger boy seemed like it was the first time, except this was sober opposed to the other time, and he wouldn't lie to anyone if he could say how much chemistry he felt with jeremy. because it was nothing really like he'd ever been able to pick up on with a girl. when they broke away, he hugged him again, smelled the scent of his shampoo mixed with the outdoor sun, the strands feeling smooth to the touch as he ran his fingers through the windswept mass of reddish brown. he could feel them both relaxing now as the seconds continued to go by, and evan let go after a little longer, letting them both have their spaces. "you are pretty short, compared to me and a lot of people we know," he replied, running his hand through his own hair now and making it look unkempt. his body became warmer at jeremy's lips touching the skin of his neck in a kind gesture, and evan bit down on his lip and smiled just a little bit more. "yeah, for the week, or however long til you absolutely have to go back." no, he wouldn't think about that right now, they didn't need to. evan waved the thought off, not ready to get into a full fledged conversation about a lengthier stay when there still was a whole day ahead of them, albeit three hours less now than jeremy had had when he was on the ground in arizona. "lots planned. but that's a secret for now." he walked over to where jeremy had set down his bags full of his "vacation" necessities, and knelt down to open one of the bigger ones. "gotta get comfortable first, don't you think?" he asked, staring at the neatly folded clothes stuffed into the suitcase and touching them lightly. "come on, unpack. it'll be easier for the rest of the week if we don't put it off." he waved his hand, gesturing for jeremy to come to him. "how was the trip?" he asked, knowing that jeremy was probably going to rattle off the things that he was afraid of while he was flying, because he knew that he hated flying and avoided it as much as he could help it. as he pulled out shirts and placed them in the free drawer that he had cleared out months ago for the purpose of these visits, evan listened earnestly to whatever jeremy had to say. "you should have like, eaten those plane peanuts. they probably put some sort of calming drug in those for people like you. kidding though." he made eye contact with him, making sure he knew it was just a joke, and evan thought that he almost saw himself in him every time jeremy talked. at the age of nineteen compared to evan's own age of twenty one, jeremy always sounded knowing but still unsure about everything at the same time, and it brought evan back to the days of high school where a person didn't really know themselves. "but hey, before you say something about the flight, i'm gonna say i told you so, cause i know you're gonna end it with your whole 'and i guess it wasn't that bad' thing like you always do, haha." he noted the returning feeling of having jeremy there all to himself for the week. it always made the environment different. there would be another body moving around the apartment with him, it wouldn't be as quiet and he'd actually have someone to talk to face to face at night whenever he was trying to fall asleep. it was pretty weird to him, how he could be so different in front of people in a large public group. it was how with jeremy, there was always the feeling that the wall that separated evan from everyone else was gone, and without much effort too. which was why they got along so well, connected on a friendship level and then well, the other level as well, with evan being comfortable enough to even tell him his biggest fears and regrets about anything when they barely even knew each other. that's just how good it was, or seemed to be - he wouldn't rely on the idea of fate and destiny as much as his horoscope told him to, only because he knew it could always change someday. sometimes he feared he was being too weird about it in his head, thinking about it and how it must make him look like a hypocrite in some ways. oh well. you couldn't win them all, and they hadn't needed to worry about anything. no one in the city would figure anything out with them, anyway - how often could fan recognition happen in public? with the last pair of jeremy's jeans put away and the last shirt hung up on a hanger at the opposite side of the closet, evan sat back down on the bed, looking up at him and taking a moment to just observe his body and demeanor. he looked tired, either from the plane anxiety, the fact that he had to wake up early, the time zone change, or all three. "so many clothes. you pack like a girl," he said jokingly, and there it was again, his attempt to make it lighter. he wasn't so sure why he always felt the need to do that, but it definitely helped every time they had their first. it wasn't just the fact that evan liked jeremy more than a friend, it was also that he felt like he had to look after him sometimes and help him grow a little as a person, just like an older brother figure would... but not in too much of a serious sense considering their situation. yeah, cause that was pretty weird if you put it that way. "you wanna know something funny? i was driving earlier and what's that song, that one by katy perry? teenage dream, yeah. it's gay to say it but it made me think of you." evan laughed, the sound of it resonating through the room over the slow light hum of the air conditioning unit that kept the silences not so silent. he reached his hand out to touch jeremy's arm, gripping it lightly as his hand slid from his wrist down towards his own hand. "i'm glad you're here, you know." he knew what he thought in these moments, only because the previous times it had always come up in nightly conversation, and evan's goal for this visit was to avoid the questioning and make a believer out of jeremy. he knew that he constantly came off as something different, that he was kind of a control freak when it came to his personal life and who knew about it, and he knew that was one of the things that turned jeremy off, the obsession he had with secrecy. "this place is lonely as hell and i'm getting cabin fever from being alone and not doing anything interesting every day." he entwined their fingers, noticing jeremy's palm was clammy from his nerves, and pulled him closer so he could sit down next to him. he hoped the simplicity of it all would make jeremy a little less skeptical about why he was here. he frowned for a moment. "come on, smile at me. we're gonna have fun this week. and take lots and lots of pictures." evan brought jeremy's face closer again with his free hand, and he lingered just a few centimeters away from his lips. it was time to be playful. "i'll give you a kiss if you say you'll help me with dinner." without waiting for a response, evan leaned forward and engaged him, smiling into the fleeting kisses on the lips he'd place with tenderness against the skin. this was the difference he talked about, the way he was much less worried and way more carefree about his actions in a true 'go with the flow' fashion that he preached to live his life by. "come on," he said, the genuine feelings reflected in his eyes as he poked at the soft ticklish spot on jeremy's side. "i know you love my cooking. or my attempts at least." for lizz / 1562 words / sry this sucks + he is rambly

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[JEREMY STEVEN WHITE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 380px; background-color:#FFFFFF; border-left: 3px solid #000000; border-right: 3px solid #000000;] you said i'm crazy, IF I'M CRAZY FOR YOU

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“i bet you were sleeping and you’re just lying to me, silly,” jeremy sing songed, and then broke into a short fit of laughter. jeremy shook his head quickly, and said, “no, i never believe you. you’re just a bear.” jeremy looked at evan and all he could feel were a surge of feelings that he always got when evan looked at him. the first gaze every time brought jeremy his strongest of feelings to the surface. “i was up so early, i’m jealous. up at one o’clock just to suffer through endless hours of security. i hated it, but i’m happy you got some sleep. i’m going to be keeping you up into the deep hours of the night because i won’t be effected until it’s really late at night, you know,” jeremy mumbled against evan’s chest. he could feel his arms loosen as he got used to the contours of evan’s body, how their chests were pressed so closed. jeremy could feel evan’s heart pounding against his rib cage through their clothing. “it’s so hot here, too. i hate hot places, i want to move to antarctica and become a penguin,” jeremy whined quietly. their kiss was something jeremy savored. how the first second felt like new every time, how it didn’t feel repeated nor old. jeremy couldn’t help, but feel a strong surge of feelings hit his chest as their kiss deepened. it felt so nice when they were alone in private, when this was the norm between them. jeremy nuzzled his nose into evan’s shirt again as evan hugged him close. he felt so tired in that moment, as evan gently combed through his reddish hair and jeremy felt like he could fall asleep standing up, right here in evan’s arms. “shut up, i’m not that short. my mom says i’m a big boy, okay?” jeremy joked, and smiled at him, scrunching up his nose. “maybe you’re just really, really tall, huh?” and then jeremy felt a sort of sadness set into his stomach. “how much longer do you think my trip could be extended to?” jeremy curiously asked, not trying to fuel that fire, but jeremy simply nodded as evan waved off the conversation as if it were nothing, which was. for now, anyway. “no, no, you can’t have secrets!” jeremy whined, pouting playfully.

jeremy moved to the side, letting evan go. evan was the more meticulous of the two, always making sure everything was put away and set into order. “yeah, i guess so,” jeremy sighed, he was always the lazier one. he hated unpacking just as much as he hated packing. “true, i don’t want to have to live out of a bag of luggage, haha. we do that enough, don’t we?” jeremy walked to him, kneeling down and picking at his clothes. “my trip? well, it was okay, you know…” jeremy said, leaving off because he knew evan was going to make a comment about the flying. ah, there it was. jeremy laughed and sat down, letting evan take control of unpacking. he was too tired to even try and cooperate and help. “no, i bet they don’t put calming drugs in the peanuts. i’m pretty sure it’s just for when you get hungry and you just need a quick snack to fill you up. or, maybe they do put it in there? maybe that’s why people love them so much,” jeremy rambled off, smiling playfully. he took a breath and then began, “my trip was okay, you know? i mean, waking up early really sucked. i couldn’t sleep at we signed off, so i just sort of stayed up? don’t look at me like that,” jeremy said waving off the worry that overcame evan’s features. “my mom came into my room like fifteen minutes earlier than she said she would last night, and saw me up. she told me to talk about you and what we were going to do and stuff, haha. she’s so nosy, but it’s cute. the cab ride was really nice, quiet.” jeremy took a breath, thinking that he must be rambling, but he liked talking. well, he liked talking to evan, at least. he fumbled around with his shirt and then said, “the flight was okay, too. the girl i was sitting next to looked so tired, i felt bad. we kind of talked, well she brought up the weather and we talked for fifteen minutes before she sort of fell asleep. i had the airplane blind down, so i wouldn’t get tempted to look outside and have a panic attack and almost puke my guts out, haha. so, i fell asleep the whole ride, and it felt so nice to fall asleep, evan. i was so tired, i still sort of am,” jeremy confessed quietly. he knuckled at his eye at that time, brushing out the sleep. “yeah, it wasn’t that bad because i was asleep the whole time, duh! so, shut up, i hate planes and i hate riding in them,” jeremy said back to evan, laughing. the apartment room settled into a comfortable silence, except for evan padding back and forth picking up clothes to put in and keeping the pattern up. jeremy was excited to stay here, like he always was. he liked it when evan and him would cuddle in bed and watch movies, or how they would sometimes have popcorn and jeremy would start a popcorn fight with him. it felt nice how comfortable they were with one another. how their mannerisms were the same and how much jeremy soaked up when he was with evan. jeremy didn’t mind being in private, he didn’t mind because at the end of the day, when it was the two of them, evan showered him with love. showed him so much affection he felt like he would drown in it, just as jeremy did with evan.

“no, i don’t,” jeremy said to him, swatting at his shoulder weakly. jeremy kept laughing quietly, feeling how everything was starting to become light. how it usually was after they settled in together. it was odd how evan always looked out for jeremy, and he was grateful for it. evan taught a lot of things to jeremy that he knew would only be the best taught from evan. it was good that evan watched out for him, it made jeremy feel safe. “you thought of me when you were listening to katy perry? does that mean you want to marry me, so i could be your teenaged dream forever?” jeremy shot back, laughing quietly. it faded out when evan touched jeremy’s arm and his hand slowly dragged down to clutch at his hand. “i’m glad i’m here, too.” jeremey’s look was fond as he gazed into evan’s eyes. it was nice when evan gave jeremy personal affection. when his mind would ease itself of worry and he would be reassured until next time that everything was still the same between them. “well, i’m glad i’m here, and that i can cure your horrid case of cabin fever.” jeremy felt a jolt as their fingers intertwined, and suddenly he was flopping onto the bed and his head was leaning on evan’s shoulder gently. hearing what evan said next made a smile blossom onto jeremy’s lips. “yeah, we’re going to have so much fun. if only you could tell me what we were doing,” jeremy playfully said, pouting. jeremy was caught by surprise by the kiss and he smiled and laughed airly into it and said, “of course i’ll help you with dinner.” jeremy’s laughed twinkled in the room as evan peppered kisses on his face, he loved when evan was this carefree. it made jeremy feel alright, it made everything feel perfect. jeremy batted away evan’s hand as he poked at his side, flinching from the ticklish nerves. “i do, so come on, feed me, i’m starving.”

jeremy pulled evan into the small kitchen. it was here that they had all their deep conversations, over the food that evan made. he tugged evan around the small counter and pressed his own back against the swoop of the counter and pulled evan down for a kiss. “what are you going to make me, master chef?” jeremy asked, his voice playful and eager. he wrapped his arms and settled them on evan’s hips, placing his leg between evan’s. it felt nice to be like this, to be an actual couple after how much they’ve been away from one another. pulling evan down, jeremy whispered against his lips, “i missed you so much. you and your fabulous cooking.”

TAGGED: STEPH AS EVAN WORD COUNT: 1, 437 NOTES: BABIES OMG THEY'RE JUST SO CUTE :3

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i love brooklyn from caution !!!

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[EVAN ELIAS SAUNDERS]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, margin: auto; width: 400px; background: #c7e0d6; opacity: .8; border: 3px solid #000000; padding: 15px; line-height: 85%;] - - - - - - - - - if this is love, it's all i'll ever need whenever i'm away from you i feel so incomplete - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - when jeremy began to explain his day, evan listened carefully and nodded along with the parts that needed it, not because he was trying to fake listening but because he was actually doing it and paying attention. he let him talk, allowing him to get it all out and feel like he could spill his world to him right now if he wanted to. he knew that jeremy usually just needed that, to ramble on about things in their detail before they could get to the next part, and the satisfaction that came from knowing that someone else was willingly listening to what you had to say was always something that lightened up people's thoughts. "well, you know, to all of that - yes, i am a bear. yes, you are short and i am just pretty tall. also you're a champion at dealing with time and jetlag because if i were in this situation i'd probably still want to pass out even if i had done it on the plane and the time was different. and you are a big boy, if your mom let you go on a plane across the country all by yourself like seven times." they had these visits a lot, and most of them were of jeremy flying out to florida with the exception of the one time that evan made the trip to arizona a few months ago. sometimes he wondered what exactly it was that kept jeremy from letting him come over there, aside from the sweltering triple digit temperatures and heat that typically occured in the state of arizona. which, he guessed he could consider it a favor, since neither of them liked that heat so it was opportunity for all to be in the lesser of the two evils. "i mean, i don't know," he answered truthfully. "you have plans next week? what about your parents, anyway?" he had only met jeremy's parents one time, barely since they were about to embark on a trip of their own - and in that time he played the visit off as cautiously as he could, just in case that jeremy hadn't told anyone anything. cause evan sure as hell didn't. at least jeremy was a trusting person with that kind of stuff, and evan wanted to someday learn how to be that way. "but hey, let's not worry about that right now? we'll think about it later in the week, as it gets closer, deal? and you know, i can have my own secrets if i please, it's my house," he laughed, shaking his head and continuting on with his quest to unpack before he felt lazy. and he hoped the answer was appropriate enough. evan couldn't help but laugh at some of the things that jeremy described from his trip. it was a mixture of adorable and... well, actually it was just straight up adorable how he talked about anything and how observant he was. "crack peanuts, complete with crushed ambien," he mused. of course jeremy would catch on to the expression on his face when he described his wake-up time, but if he was in his situation he'd feel pity on anyone who had to do that. and somehow he still didn't understand what was so good about his personality that made jeremy actually want to make the long trip in a means of transporation that he was so afraid of, but evan could stop putting himself down now and just accept that somewhere along the line he must have been doing something right. "can't believe you stayed up," he said, making a clucked noise with his tongue in half mock and half real disappointment - the two blurred together, but truly he wished that the nights before the trip were easier for him, because they were always the same - staying up and wearing down. he continued to take hangers out of his closet, unfolding the multitude of buttoned shirts that jeremy was also prone to wearing, and he made a mental note to press them while he was sleeping tomorrow morning. yeah, he would actually do that for him. "your mom say anything about it? what did you tell her? does she think i'm a creep or something?" it was irrational to even wonder about it, since the response would probably be the opposite of his fear, but he had to ask anyway. "sorry, haha. i'm always like that with parents and stuff. but it's good that your flight was alright and you had a nice person to sit with and they weren't flirty. it's also nice that you slept, cause if you hadn't i would have made you go to bed right now and made sure you stayed asleep til your max hours of sleep were met. hey, don't laugh, i'm not joking about that..." the room had a lighter feel now, and at least now in addition to that they had finished unpacking all of jeremy's things. coming out of the bathroom after placing all of jeremy's essentials in their respective reserved spots, evan looked at him with an eyebrow raised in mock skeptiscism. "now you just make it sound super cheesy," he had remarked, rubbing his forehead a little while laughing and making a face at how dumb the mention of the song probably was. "but yeah, i did think about you. seemed appropriate for the most part, don't you think?" evan sidestepped answering the part about marrying - that was too fast to even think, and it still wasn't legal to do that anyway right? "you're technically still teenaged, since your age has 'teen' still in it when you say it," he said instead, shrugging and smiling just a little. the age difference wasn't too bad or out of the ordinary like with other relationships, say rental prostitutes or gold digging mistresses and their rich beaus. yeah, they were none of the above, either. but two years was really technically a lot, with the gap in life experiences and a little bit of maturity being what separated them from truly the same level. evan looked at jeremy and saw the look in his eyes - fondness, admiration, all good things - and he returned the glance with another small blooming smile, the shy one that he pretty much had reserved for him alone and in the moments like this. "good, cause i need someone to play with." evan paused for a second at his comment, purposely leaving something that could be taken in a multitude of ways as sort of a playful tease. "you feel the music as much as i do. unless any of that's changed since you've been home? cause for me it hasn't and i've gotten so antsy to write and get out there again." that was more of a test of a dirty mind than anything really, and besides, jeremy knew that a lot of what evan said was pretty harmless for the most part. jeremy pulled him down during their kiss to lay their backs against the bed, and evan turned his head to be facing him and smiled. "umm," he started, his face in pretend hard thought, "i was maybe thinking of going back to disney? cause the last time was pretty fun, you gotta admit that." yeah, the last time they were there it was pretty fun with them both visiting every attraction that was offered in the span of two days, not to mention that the last time the big summer tour had a day off in orlando it was pretty much the best time evan had ever had even over when he was a kid. "and of course, going to the beach and getting us both some tan," he said playfully, shaking his head as he held his arm up next to jeremy's. "and just, you know. other fun stuff around here. i'll surprise you. and, i'm probably gonna have to visit my parents for part of a day this week, if you wanna come." evan looked at jeremy again, eyes judging his reaction to the statement. jeremy had encouraged him to tell his own parents in passing, but evan hadn't really wanted to talk about it at the time where it was brought up. still, didn't mean that he didn't think about it. he continued his poking motions against jeremy's side, filling the weirdness of the statement with something else. he was pretty sure that jeremy was probably wondering why he was talking about this to begin with. "we have a boat. and a dock. it's pretty nice, so. and there are manatees that swim around. have you ever seen a manatee before? they're kind of fascinating." he paused once more, and he shrugged shyly in a gesture of "oops, that was irrelevant" again while licking his lips to keep them from drying up for the next time he spoke - the last thing he could have wanted were dry, chapped lips at this time. evan laughed just a little bit more as jeremy swatted his hand away and ceased his poking after the fact that he was actually trying to escape it all now, and he was more contented with his response afterwards. nodding, he let jeremy pull him up from the bed, and they both stood properly across from each other before they continued on to the kitchen. "ooh, you remembered where the kitchen was, i'm impressed," he joked. the apartment was a one bedroom and had fairly enough space, but not enough to get lost at all. still, it was plenty of space that had a void for just one person, and fortunately it was being sucked out by the companionship and presence of his best friend with every passing second. "hmm, anything you want," he added, breaking his hand away from jeremy's to check his cabinets for the newly stocked groceries that he had purchased only hours before. as he scanned the shelves, he was caught off guard by the tug of jeremy's hand and the kiss the accompanied it, and evan smiled softly into it, not refusing at all. "my lips are kind of dry, sorry for that," he said between breaths and kisses, the both of them being caught up in the moment. evan forgot what he was actually thinking about as he looked down into jeremy's blue eyes, and he couldn't help but give him a little nudge with his nose, eskimo kiss style, as a response of being told he was missed. it was nice to hear it from someone who really meant it. "yeah? well, i missed you too. even if you are joking about the cooking part, haha." looking around and sighing from the wave of tiredness that seemed to suddenly hit him, evan stifled the yawn though he knew it would be caught, instead smiling as he left a quick peck on jeremy's cheek before he went over to the fridge. "i've got pretty much every ingredient for our favorites," he said, eying the cuts of steak and chicken that were waiting to be cooked either that night or tomorrow. favorites with an s, because they shared the same taste for food as much as anything else that you could pin them for being the same. "depends on what you want. i can do anything." he pulled out different vegetables from the fridge's crisper, laying them out on the counter as he pondered the menu he had in mind earlier that he seemed to have forgotten in the last couple of hours. as much as he joked about cooking or being a typical guy who didn't really have the knowledge of it, evan was actually the opposite - he knew quite a bit, thanks to his mother. he moseyed over to the lower cabinets where he stored his pots and pans, pulling out a few that he needed and a cutting board. looking at jeremy, he raised his brow and nudged him gently with his arm as he passed him, the pans clanking against the counter as he put them down to roll his sleeves up. "you've got thirty seconds to tell me what to do before i decide for you," he joked, "i was thinking maybe stir fry, since we both love asian food and well, it seems like you think it's a good idea right now because of that noise." he poked at jeremy's side again, referencing the slight growl of his stomach in response to the mention of food. "guess i got my answer!" jerking his head towards the cutting board, he touched jeremy's hand in passing, stroking it with his thumb gently and grinning as he put the different colored peppers in their respective bags in front of him. "and since you promised, you're going to chop my vegetables." for lizz / 2140 words / awww lookit that

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[JEREMY STEVEN WHITE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 380px; background-color:#FFFFFF; border-left: 3px solid #000000; border-right: 3px solid #000000;] you said i'm crazy, IF I'M CRAZY FOR YOU

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“am i really that short? i’m taller than my mom, though! i mean, come on, she’s not exactly the shortest woman i’ve seen either. why am i so short?” jeremy rambled on, realizing that he must’ve sounded like a girl right now. although, in this relationship, jeremy could be classified as the “woman” in their relationship. he shook his head slightly at the thought, because most people he met who were in relationships like him, were only classified as the “woman” in the relationship by their positions in bed, and jeremy didn’t want to excite himself or distract himself with such thoughts. “i am a big boy, especially since i’m scared of planes the most and i sacrificed myself just to come see you,” jeremy said, smiling childishly. jeremy usually thought it were easier for him to go to evan. evan had a place to himself, he was older, and the experience was better when it was just them, alone, as it always was. jeremy never asked evan to come to where he was, because he felt like it would be burdening, and that evan would sleep past his flight time, also. “no, i mean, i can just stay for the week…” jeremy shrugged, looking at evan. he nodded his head quietly, agreeing with what evan said next. if anything, the next time they met, jeremy would ask evan to meet him at arizona. where he could be properly introduced as jeremy’s boyfriend, and it felt weird to him. how he talked to his parents about evan and they already knew, but they never really met him. it was a short introduction and a handshake and a hug before his parents rushed out of the house, so they wouldn’t miss their taxi to take them to the airport that one time evan stayed at jeremy’s house. the meeting had been cautious, despite that maximum amount of hugging because jeremy’s mother knew just as much as jeremy did that evan needed to be comforted sometimes. “okay, deal. no, you can’t, you’re not allowed! tell me, please?” jeremy said, batting his eyelashes to feign innocence, his blue eyes sparkling as he broke out in a tender smile as he watched evan go back to unpacking.

“did you have trouble sleeping?” jeremy asked, quietly. it seemed that the night before the two were meeting each other, it always ended up in a lack of sleep the night before. he looked at evan and smiled sort of apologetically, it seemed that they never slept well when they were about to meet one another. jeremy was always prone to staying up the nights he was about to go on a plane, whether it was because of nerves or excitement, he seemed to dully distract himself until he had to leave. looking at evan putting everything away, jeremy felt a pinch of fond feelings spread through his body. how could he give this up? to have someone, albeit across the country, that wrapped him in their arms and smelt his hair every morning. or, jeremy’s favorite, when evan would come up from behind and wrap him in his arms and kiss him in the areas that he loved the most. jeremy would be foolish to give this up, secret or not, he never would. his head gently brought him from his day dream to reality and waved a hand at evan clucking his tongue. “you sound like a lecturing mother, you know.” jeremy laid back on the bed. the sheets were broken in, soft. he could feel his eyes getting heavy, but really he just wanted to relax his body and sink into the heavenly sheets calling his name. he couldn’t wait to get to bed later that night. “hey, calm down,” jeremy said quietly, leaning up and resting his weight on his laid out hands. “she thinks it’s nice that you care about me, you know? she said the next time we decide to meet up for a week or so, you should come there, so she can meet you and make you dinner. she thinks you starve yourself,” jeremy laughed the last part out. his mother was always worried about evan. she thought he was too young to be living on his own and that he probably never ate and just slept all day. maybe jeremy put too many thoughts in her head. “they weren’t flirty, at all. i gave her my pillow so she could be extra comfortable on the flight. she looked exhausted, i wonder why. i still am really tired, but i’m not going to bed! you can’t make me go to bed.” jeremy felt like a six year old when he said that, but still. he stopped laughing, but continued again when evan turned around. “i’d like to see you try.”

while evan was fussing around in his bathroom, putting all of jeremy’s things away, jeremy closed his eyes and counted to ten to relax a little bit. he was good at this, to relax until he almost felt like his bones completely left his body. to shut off his mind for about five minutes and able to snap out of it like nothing happened. his mind knocked him awake, and his voice sounded a bit groggy as he said, “i didn’t make it super duper cheesy. i made it sound super duper cute, i think you mean.” jeremy felt his body clench as he thought of how a song could simply remember evan of him. it was probably a common occurrence, though. whenever jeremy heard a song, he would make up someone that it could be about, making up a story of his own for a song. “i like that you thought of me, you know. that i can somehow creep into your mind and have you think of me, it’s nice. it’s like even if i am away, you can still conjure me up and think of me.” jeremy shrugged and realized he was mumbling nonsense. he should’ve just stuck with ‘it’s nice that you think of me’ and that would’ve been the end of it. their age difference never struck jeremy as alarming. maybe it was because it was only a year and a few months between them and jeremy had seen worse. he remembers how kids in his school always tried dating college kids or even people out of college just for the thrill of it. looking at evan, jeremy wanted this. he wanted to be the one pampered on and doted upon and loved upon. most people thought that evan wasn’t used to physical attraction, jeremy knew that because people would talk to him about it. it wasn’t meant to be taken in a bad way, jeremy knew, which is why he would shrug it off and simply say that it was evan’s business and even if they were best friends, there were boundaries he couldn’t cross. of course this was the answer he gave to the public, but in private evan craved touched and attention as much as jeremy did. jeremy could feel his cheeks heat up as evan smiled at him, small and reserved. it made his chest ache in fondness, how evan’s smile was only for jeremy. “my smile,” jeremy whispered quietly, realizing he didn’t mean to say that out loud. jeremy’s attention brought him back to earth, and he could feel the heat in his cheeks get deeper. “play with?” jeremy asked quietly, and then felt like an idiot for what came next. “oh, right, haha. music. yeah, of course we can play together, but let’s use this trip as an excuse to be a cute couple that holds hands and kisses and everything, right?” jeremy pulled him down to kiss, and it felt nice to always lay on this bed. it was probably jeremy’s favorite bed in the whole world. “oh, disney? really? it was really fun, and you did hold my hand secretly on the rollercoaster because i was scared, so i think yes.” jeremy let his hand brush against evan’s shoulder, his fingertips feeling hot skin. jeremy smiled and saw how tan he was compared to evan, living in arizona, land of the sun, he always turned so tan. “we can go to the beach. i just hope all those girls don’t try to hit on us again.”

jeremy felt his body go sort of stiff at the mention of evan’s parents. it wasn’t out of hatred or anything, more out of shock. the shock that evan wanted jeremy to meet his parents. he knew that they once got into a small fight about it, but jeremy backed off. he knew it was evan’s right to tell and when and how. “yeah, i’d love to come,” jeremy answered truthfully, fondly. he felt the beginnings of a small fond smile on his lips as evan talked about the dock and the boat. “a dock and a boat and manatees? i have to check this out, i bet it’s fun.” jeremy’s eyes locked onto evan’s, giving him the comfort and the honesty in them. he kissed evan’s lips, sneaking in one which he loved doing, and smiled into his lips. evan was so light when jeremy picked him up, and he laughed in a jokingly mocking tone as evan commented on the kitchen. “i’ve been here like ten times, do you expect me to forget about it?” jeremy remarked with a smile in the tone. he was always smiling when he was around evan. “anything i want?” jeremy asked, and maybe he was pushing a boundary, his voice deep and ragged. sultry, in a way. jeremy couldn’t help it sometimes, how his body overtook his mind and sometimes feelings won. he felt his fingers grip at evan’s arms a bit tighter, and he let his mind relax and he smiled at evan. then they began kissing, and kissing evan felt right. it felt automatic and part of a routine that jeremy seemed accoustomed to in his whole life. “don’t worry,” jeremy whispered against his lips. he sort of liked that evan’s lips were dry and chapped, that they weren’t perfect. jeremy only responded to rubbing his nose once or twice against evan’s in response to the eskimo kiss. “i’m not, though. i missed your cooking.”

jeremy smiled back at evan, his lips seemed to be permanently stuck in that upward position. he ran his hand down evan’s arm as he turned away from jeremy to look through the kitchen. jeremy looked at the chicken and steak and felt his stomach grumble. he didn’t know he had been that hungry this whole time. jeremy didn’t know what to pick, and it usually ended up being evan who picked anyway simply because he knew how to cook all of it. “thirty seconds? i can’t make something up in thirty seconds!” jeremy stressed, and then he felt his stomach grumble at the mention of stir fry. he sure did love any sort of asian food and evan did make a good stir fry. jeremy took out the vegetables of their bags, remembering where they go and how much he would need to cut. he was good at cooking, too, but he wanted to have some fun. he began to cut very sloppily and slowly, trying to take his time. “uh, evan?” jeremy asked, looking towards the other man, “can you help me chop these up? i’m horrible at it.” he knew he was lying, but well, it was a good excuse to have evan give him undivided attention.

TAGGED: STEPH AS EVAN WORD COUNT: 1, 925 NOTES: THIS IS TERRIBLE, SORRY. ;~;

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i love brooklyn from caution !!!

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[EVAN ELIAS SAUNDERS]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, margin: auto; width: 400px; background: #c7e0d6; opacity: .8; border: 3px solid #000000; padding: 15px; line-height: 85%;] - - - - - - - - - if this is love, it's all i'll ever need whenever i'm away from you i feel so incomplete - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - through the moments between his bedroom and moving to occupy the kitchen, evan found himself thinking about a lot. while he always seemed to avoid answering the important questions that would otherwise make or break a lot of other relationships, he was glad that jeremy gave him the option and even the time to think about what he was going to say. it was the understanding that evan needed from a person, no matter if they were a guy or a girl, in any of his relationships of whatever kind in order for him to fully work. he thought about all the things jeremy had said - about coming here despite being scared to death of flying, wanting to stay the week, how his mother had called him skinny and thought he wasn't old or stable enough to be living on his own. he thought about all those things and the possibilities that came from them all, the things that were enabled just by the spoken action and the processing of these words. his own parents didn't know the truth of everything, and he was assuming that jeremy's were the opposite or at least knew something about their 'more than friendship' status. evan had shaken his head, letting out a very slight and quiet laugh again as he had turned to look at jeremy in those last moments against his bed, for now. later, they would be spending a lot of time in it. before he could speak, jeremy had pulled him in for another kiss, and evan let the silence take over again as he gave into the pull of the other man's hand against the fabric of his shirt. closer. he always felt like he could be closer to jeremy, in all senses of the words. "if i didn't think of you then there'd be no point of you being here, logically. but yeah, i do think about you. all the way over here on the east coast. and i'm glad you think of me back, all the way out there in the west coast." for someone his age, jeremy was fairly mature and good with his words, and even listening to his plane story of how nice he was to the woman beside him made evan feel like if there were any choice he could have made for himself, for picking someone, jeremy was the right one. evan was impressed, even though sometimes things jeremy did could come off as a little bit too needy and it would frighten him just a little bit, but it wasn't something that couldn't be remedied with a few minutes of breathing time. besides, the nerves came with the youth, and he understood that - that and the fact that they were still feeling new to each other, no matter how much time had passed since the actual period of their start. "manatees," he found himself saying after a few more minutes. "and a dock and a boat." he didn't know why he was repeating himself and echoing jeremy at the time too, but it seemed like a good idea while he tried to break his daydreaming and the thoughts of home and the possibilities that going back brought. "i'm glad you'll come with me though. i'd like you to be there, and to see my life, i guess? i mean, the old parts of it, and my parents." yeah, at least it was a step in reassuring the both of them that this was the right thing to be happening right now, and evan knew he was approaching the turn of his relationship time with the doubt almost kicking in soon. this time he would beat it, because this felt right, and worth it, too. "but yeah... the kitchen calls." the kitchen always had a different feel whenever he was in it. while they were in there, having their small gestures of affection to feed their emotions in the space where you usually fed your stomach, evan thought about the ease of everything and how the visit was unwinding to be as smooth now as he had hoped for it to be. his hand had held jeremy's as they had walked in, fingers entwining and holding onto the other's til they had to break apart to do their dinner duties. it was in this space that evan actually felt more useful, that he was doing something that would be appreciated by at least someone else in his life along the road - whether it be his mother when he gave her his weekly call and told her that he succeeded in cooking something she had wanted to try, or for these moments where jeremy would be with him in his apartment and he'd actually be able to not have as many leftovers that usual meals gave. after all, it was always hard to cook for just one, when the standard of almost every recipe was to serve two. "glad you agree with my menu choices, haha," he mused, stroking the bit of facial hair on his chin as he felt jeremy's hand sliding down his arm as he started to look for the rest of the dry seasonings he might have needed. he liked that he could be loose around him, feel more like himself. "because you are a bit slow in making our decisions." he was only joking, though - evident in the small smile on his lips. in these moments it kind of reminded him of home, the stability of a meal with someone else other than yourself and how this felt way more domesticated than he thought it would, more than all the other prior times before. it wasn't a far shot to say that evan, deep down, was a paranoid person with everything in secret, and while he overanalyzed details a little bit more than he should have over certain things, he found some comfort in knowing that, while jeremy was right in saying he sounded too lecture-y sometimes and he needed to calm down, he could be sure of his feelings in these moments. like everything was right in the world and he didn't need to worry, because it was okay. as he stood by the stove and turned on a burner to heat up a pan, evan moved over to the countertop next to his, prepping the meat for its fry in his pan and making sure he didn't slip up and cut himself. his stomach was starting to feel the rippling effect from the inside that signaled his own hunger, though not as urgent as jeremy's. but he took it as a sign to work a bit faster and more efficiently. "we can go out for dessert later," evan added, watching the oil in his pan begin to heat up as the seconds ticked by. "you know i'm no baker. but i'd like something sweet later..." he paused, feeling a little bit shy. "we can go for a walk and get ice cream down the block. just like a cute second date to this dinner, if you feel up to it?" he glanced back at jeremy to see his reaction, the offer of a chance of publicity. "it would be nice, don't you think? and, and at least it's going to be cooler out later, after we're done eating and cleaning up and all that." he knew that it would mean a lot to jeremy, the few yet special moments that were nonetheless important for them, for evan to be in a moment where he was willing to be off guard and let truth slowly be shown. evan looked back at the pan, just in a brief effort to shake off the possible reaction of a "no" even though he knew it would be the complete opposite with confidence, and his head turned back at the mention of his name. looking back at jeremy, he saw that he was just idly taking out and examining the peppers he had placed in front of him. evan paused to watch him for a few seconds, his eyes narrowing a little bit in skepticism, and he put a hand on his hips to give himself a pretend mocking stance. "really now?" he mused playfully, clicking his tongue then moving closer to where jeremy stood at the counter across from him. "you've already forgotten the way i taught you properly?" part of him believed and part of him didn't, but it was probably silly (and a little terrible) of him to think that jeremy was just using this as a ruse for something else. but evan didn't mind supplying the attention he craved at all - and if he did, it was only because the oil was getting too hot. which, he turned down before he moved his body to be next to jeremy. leaning against the counter, evan looked at him very matter-of-factly, resting his weight against the steadiness of his elbows and forearm as he looked at his companion. "here, i'll show you again. just watch." evan took the cutting board by sliding it over with his fingertips before he motioned to touch jeremy's hand lightly, prying the handle of the knife out of his grasp and taking it into his own. he picked a pepper and cut it in half, taking out the center and then playing it half side down. "it's like your knife and hand are one with the smooth motion, like this," he said, slicing it to a quarter inch of thickness, the sound of the pepper's crunch against the force of his hand and the sharpened edge taking up the settling silence as jeremy observed him. halfway through the half, evan looked up and winked. "now you." he tucked the handle of the knife carefully back into jeremy's hands, nudging his head in a gesture of 'yes, go ahead, i'm watching you now' - and after a few slow chops of the same caliber from before, evan laughed. "at this rate we're going to have dinner way late. let me." he moved his body again, the sound of his shoe heels pattering against the kitchen floor with his change of place, and evan was standing behind jeremy now, feeling a little bit taller in addition to his actual height at this type of position. "cooking lessons with evan, part ten?" he reached his arms around jeremy, their bodies touching in a way that was very different, and his hands probably felt much warmer to the touch as they rested against jeremy's. evan looked beyond jeremy's shoulder to see the board in front of him, and with his steady hands, he guided jeremy in cutting the rest of that pepper. evan could feel his heart speeding up as he breathed closer, his mouth barely centimeters away from jeremy's ear. "you know, this is actually pretty nice," he found himself saying quietly out loud as he thought that hey, this whole domestication thing didn't seem too bad, and he did find it fairly cute that he was able to do something sensitive and different like this. for lizz / 1853 words / i am sorry i'm wordy D:

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[JEREMY STEVEN WHITE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 380px; background-color:#FFFFFF; border-left: 3px solid #000000; border-right: 3px solid #000000;] you said i'm crazy, IF I'M CRAZY FOR YOU

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jeremy never wanted to push. if there was one thing that jeremy learned from people, from seeing relationships come together and fall apart, he knew that time and space were crucial. it had been hard at first for him, to find himself being in a relationship evan saunders. it was foreign to him at first, especially the secret. jeremy could remember times when he wanted to touch the palm of his hand, but it was a simple look that evan would send to him that would realize that it wasn’t going to happen that easily. it took jeremy adjusting and molding around evan to realize what was accustomed of him. sometimes, jeremy’s mother would come into his room and ask him about evan, only jeremy would reveal small details. the color of his eyes, the way his hair always smells of fruit from his shampoo, and how his skin glittered like honey. it didn’t take long for jeremy to confess that evan was his boyfriend, as his parents sat him down and asked. he wondered what evan would’ve thought of him then, vulnerable and scared, revealing their secret. every time the thought crossed his mind, he eased himself away from it with a steady mantra of ‘he’s still here, with you’ until he could feel his bones relax and his mind go quiet. all jeremy wanted to do was kiss evan. months would go by where they wouldn’t even see one another, and jeremy would only have the photos on his laptop that he hid in a multitude of folders in case someone decided to snoop. photos of evan and jeremy smiling, of kissing, of being happy. together. alone. kissing evan was like kissing someone you felt like you knew your whole life. safe and secure, like a bubble formed around them as they kissed, like evan threw away all the dark and terrible things and held jeremy safe and away from all the terrible things that lurked and hungered in the world. arizona was far from florida, far from a heart that ache just as much as his, that longed for the sensitive warm touch that beckoned, and jeremy would savor the first few minutes of each visit. how the first few minutes each time would bring around the nerves. are we the same still? did something change? do we feel the same thing for one another? each question bubbling inside their chest until the first embrace, where their tightest holds wouldn’t be enough to welcome back their bodies to one another. all jeremy wanted now, in his calm mind, was to kiss evan. to lick every ridge in his mouth, to feel the warmth that bathed him as if he had been outside in the dull heat and sweltering humidity of the day, to feel evan himself. breaking away, jeremy listened. he felt like a woman, to be pampered over, watched, and cared. “you think about me?” his mind closed away from the paranoid thoughts, the thoughts that reeked of doubt and plagued him. “how much do you think of me?” he asked quietly, hoping for an answer his chest was radiating. he wanted always. every minute of every day to be his, to be consumed with the thought of him. needing was jeremy’s biggest vice. to need to the fullest extent and to be needed even more so. jeremy would feel ashamed of himself when he would see evan and his eyes, bright green and frightened when he came off as too much, and that’s when he would break away. when they would close themselves off for a few minutes, lose their distinct connection and shut themselves away. jeremy ached for the day where evan would be something familiar to him, where maybe they would wake up to their faces facing one another, bodies tucked tight and close. until then, jeremy would keep this close. keep their new and fragile relationship to it’s best. to keep evan. “i’d love to see everything,” jeremy said, smiling fondly. a pang of hurt radiated in his chest as evan closed off from the topic again, and his smile faltered a little, but quickly he recovered. “yeah, the kitchen calls.”

the first time that jeremy and evan kissed, really kissed, was in evan’s kitchen. the tour consisted of merely pecks on the lips, never trusting a dressing room as a safe haven. nothing is private on a tour. jeremy could remember staying at evan’s apartment for two weeks after the tour was over because it had ended in florida, and it was easy enough to get from point a to point b. the first time happened when they were cooking something to eat, the first real meal after tour. both of them clean from the dirt and the grime that tour settled deep into their skin. jeremy could remember evan dragging him close, their lips fitting together as if it were the last two pieces of a puzzle. jeremy remembers how evan’s fingertips were chilled as they grazed jeremy’s skin, the blushing pink from the hot steam of the shower still layered on his skin. looking at the kitchen now, jeremy’s chest gave a fond clench. as if asking his mind if he remembered such a memory and his mind gave a thoughtful glow of ‘yes’, and the memory shut itself away. it felt nice, how their fingers meet in a tight embrace, weaving themselves into a lock. “i always approve of the chef’s menu,” jeremy teased, his fingers stopping at the crease of evan’s elbow, holding onto the warm skin for a minute, feeling the pulse of evan’s heart beat. jeremy kissed the small smile on evan’s lips, laughing tenderly. “i can never make a decision, you know that.” it was true, jeremy was known for being indecisive, and he always opted into having other people make the decision for him, happy to comply with whatever the answer may have been. jeremy savored in this moment, hoping that they were slowly becoming “domesticated”, hoping that one day jeremy would be living there…but that was for another time. jeremy locked away that tempting thought away and simply let go of evan’s hand and walked to the place where he usually ended up for cutting up the vegetables and doing work to occupy himself while evan did the other work. he marveled at evan’s hand work, how it was sure and steady. “you should’ve became a chef,” jeremy said, smiling as he looked down. maybe everything would’ve been easier if they weren’t in bands. then again, they never would’ve met. jeremy counted his blessings. “it would be nice,” jeremy said, a full smile gracing his red lips. “it. it would be really, really nice, actually.” jeremy raised his fingertips to his lips for a second, hoping that he wasn’t being too much of a woman right now, he couldn’t help it. “we can get one cone if you want.” jeremy knew they pretty much liked all the same flavors, everything was simple for them. “a cute second date sounds perfect, really. you know how much i love ice cream, also.” jeremy’s smile slowly fell into a fond smirk, his body warm in the thought of, yes, this is right. this is where we’re supposed to be.

jeremy was a terrible liar, and it was a miracle that evan believed him. he simply looked up at evan, giving him his best puppy dog eyes. it worked, also, because of how crystal blue they were, as if they were tiny oceans. jeremy’s favorite feature of himself were his eyes, after all. “yes, really!” jeremy said, a laugh ghosting in the sentence. “you know how forgetful i am sometimes,” jeremy played, his tone light. he could feel evan’s warmth breaching against his clothes, sinking into his own. jeremy simply stepped back as evan took charge. secretly he loved it the most when evan became the dominating person in the kitchen, as if he sort of thrived there, like a flower blooming. he watched evan’s carefully hands, thin fingers and veins pressing against tanned skin. “one smooth motion, yeah,” jeremy said distractedly, to show that evan he was listening, at least sort of, anyway. suddenly he felt the warm handle tucked into his hand, and still distracted by the thought of evan’s hand, chopped the pepper in a slow pace, his mind elsewhere. “haha, maybe more like, part three or four?” jeremy supplied, he didn’t know he needed cooking help that much. jeremy closed his eyes at the feeling of evan’s body pressed against his, smooth muscle tucked against his back, he let out a small sigh. temptation was a terrible thing. jeremy let his hand be guided by evan’s touch, their fingers and palms heating at the contact. he could feel his stomach coiling, and he hid away the temptation. jeremy took a soft exhale of breath at the ghosting of evan’s breath against the shell of his ear. “yeah, nice.” he supplied again, his mind working in double time. “your hands are soft,” he commented, feelings evan’s fingers grip tighter around jeremy’s hands. he turned his head to the side, sneaking a kiss. caution to the wind, jeremy knew what he wanted. he turned his head back to the cutting board, smiling softly. this felt right. all of it.

TAGGED: STEPH AS EVAN WORD COUNT: 1, 555 NOTES: JEREMY IS A GIRL LOL

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i love brooklyn from caution !!!

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[EVAN ELIAS SAUNDERS]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, margin: auto; width: 400px; background: #c7e0d6; opacity: .8; border: 3px solid #000000; padding: 15px; line-height: 85%;] - - - - - - - - - if this is love, it's all i'll ever need whenever i'm away from you i feel so incomplete - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - the fact that they were standing in the kitchen and he was helping jeremy cut some vegetables while standing behind him made evan feel like he was doing something that was right for once. not to mention he actually liked cooking with and for someone who would actually appreciate it, and someone who could keep him company aside from his dog. "well, good, cause now i'm actually looking forward to dessert a little more now that you've agreed with it. and i know, you do like ice cream a lot. just like a little kid." he smiled a little bit more. one cone might have been too much to suggest, but he wasn't going to say anything to contest it, lest it let jeremy down. being the one to suggest going out in public and holding hands was enough of a step out of his comfort zone, and by just doing that he might as well have followed through with everything that came after it once they were out. evan nodded after a few more seconds of thinking and visiualizing the scenario in his head, the corner of his lips turned up into a shyer smile once more. "yeah, actually, that would be cute," he said, "it'll be like, i don't know, lady and the tramp except not with spaghetti but ice cream. you can be lady." it was the truth, he was practically the girl anyway between the two of them. "i bet you actually knew how to do this the whole time," he found himself saying absentmindedly as he continued to help jeremy's hand along with the knife moving on the cutting board. "not that i don't mind showing you a thing or two in the kitchen, but you're still silly for pretending. and it totally is part ten, not three or four - i need to stop believing your fake cooking lies." his voice was a little more playful than before, just showing that he wasn't actually mad but he was just kidding, just in case jeremy thought otherwise. evan always found himself watching what he was saying whenever they were together, seeing that he knew that jeremy was younger and sensitive and took offense easily to words that actually didn't mean anything in a serious light. evan knew he himself was kind of known for coming off a certain way, a little too strong and brash in a few instances depending on when you caught him, and he wanted to make sure that his companion would never get to see that part of him. they had always hit it off nicely in the beginning since they met, and evan would have liked to keep the good air between them for as long as he could. he took in a little breath at jeremy's compliment, and he smiled next to his ear, breathing a little bit slower and quieter. "it's cause my hand soap is just that awesome," he joked, musing to himself how it wasn't always a normal occurance to have someone compliment his hands, especially since he was a guitarist and they should have been further from soft. his fingers stroked jeremy's hand lightly as he checked to make sure they were still tucked as they both continued to cut peppers. "but hey, watch it, i don't want you to cut yourself or me, haha." it was nice to be alone with someone you cared about, without worrying what other people thought about you. sure, he probably shouldn't have worried too much since obviously this was 2011, the twenty-first century - was it the twenty-first? he didn't know for sure, but it was already way past the old eras and it was all about change, where seeing males together with other males romantically wasn't as much of a big deal as it used to be at all. it struck him at that moment - though the two of them had been secretly in a relationship for almost a year now, evan still wasn't quite sure where jeremy stood on the account of what side he was officially on. not that it mattered, really. but evan knew himself, that he was in the middle between liking women and men, and that with the exception of jeremy he had had more of a preference to the former while having an open mind to seeing the latter. it was the fact that jeremy seemed to breach all these boundaries without even trying or knowing, and it was that exact thing in his personality that had evan dumbfounded from the get go. he wondered if jeremy thought about that as much as he did, worried as much about anything in relation to it - even though he probably didn't worry at all, since he was a more of an open and fearless (sort of) person than he was. maybe they'd talk about it, if it came up in bed that night. there were a lot of things they lacked to explore even now, anyway. as he stood behind jeremy in their current kitchen duty, evan felt the temperature of his body rising, brewing in the bottom of his stomach and rising through the rest of his chest. jeremy had managed to sneak a kiss while he was taking a breath from talking, and his head was turned towards his neck as he breathed, the sensation circulating throughout his body thanks to his bloodstream. yeah, talk about things they lacked to venture towards. "you've probably got this now, right?" he murmured, the hand that rested the higher atop jeremy's own hands moving off and letting go of him slowly. it wasn't that he was nervous... okay, he definitely was nervous to be so close to his partner. it sounded terrible, but evan's deep rooted irrational fear of hurting another person because of his desires, good or bad, had always stopped him from going forward with another person that was involved in his life this way. not many people who knew evan necessarily knew that he was a different kind of man when there started to be more than just the g-rated actions between himself and another person, something part of the package that contained the many things he kept to himself and never shared with anyone else. and even as jeremy was the person that he could always talk to, who was able to break down walls and breach all those little barriers in evan's personality and daily life routine, he was still having trouble getting over that fear, moreso because of all those reasons. but he couldn't help himself. "we've gotta talk about something later, by the way," he began but trailed off, his voice breathless and quiet as the air got caught in his throat while he tried to convey what he was thinking. the fact that jeremy was so close to him was triggering everything in his head and his feelings, and it was usually like this when they first saw each other... sort of. there was always a certain sexual tension between them, and it had once been a joke within other people on tour that they were bound to have some drunk fling one day. little did they know. but perhaps it was the fact that, between jeremy's band doing another tour and evan's band on tour break but writing and recording nonstop in the studio, it had been close to three months or something along those lines since they had been able to get a clean break from their obligations and be able to see each other this way. he pressed a little bit more forward against jeremy's back, the hand that he withdrew prior to that now resting against the waistline of jeremy's jeans. his head tilting to rest against his shoulder and his lips barely away from the pulse area against the skin of jeremy's neck, evan closed his eyes and just let it sink in. skype sessions always made evan miss jeremy's closeness, something that he hadn't really thought he was capable of feeling before. this moment brought him back to the moment on the empty tour bus last summer, and evan toyed with the idea of pushing jeremy against the counter to recreate that kiss. but he resisted. swallowing the lump in his throat, he closed his eyes, laughing a bit more nervously than jeremy probably could have remembered. "maybe we should order out, h - haha. save some of this for a late night dinner or tomorrow and lunch... i just really want to spend some more time with you. some actual time without doing random shit like this..." he found himself soon kissing and biting at jeremy's neck with a little bit more of a driven nature than he intended, and evan stopped abruptly after a minute, mentally hitting himself with a brick in his imagination. "god, i hate this, i'm sorry..." evan said in a bare whisper against jeremy's skin, lightly brushing his lips against the marks he had started to leave. "sometimes i feel like i'm about to get out of hand, you know? and it scares me. but then like, maybe i'm playing too formal sometimes whenever it's the initial time we meet up again. i just want it to be natural, for either of us not to be afraid cause really, it's been a year..." where was that coming from? he didn't really know, but he felt stupid for having all the pent up thoughts coming out too soon, not at the right time or right place. as he placed a shaky kiss on the skin near the neckline of his shirt, evan turned his body halfway and his other hand reached behind him to turn the heat of the stovetop off. once he had done that he was back to resting his chin against the other man's shoulder, his eyes settling on the wall in front of him before letting out another sigh, deeper than the one before. "you know, it's been shitty over here lately, being alone and all that other stuff," he admitted, once again those barriers being broken down by the simple feeling of jeremy's presence. "it's just been a really long time since i've seen you, jer. been close to you. and i've missed you. i really did." for lizz / 1718 words / o0o0o0o don't hate me :}

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[JEREMY STEVEN WHITE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 380px; background-color:#FFFFFF; border-left: 3px solid #000000; border-right: 3px solid #000000;] you said i'm crazy, IF I'M CRAZY FOR YOU

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cooking with someone else was always better than cooking alone. jeremy barely cooked, he could do the basic things, but cooking with evan felt nice. it felt as if they were more domesticated than they really were, they were barely domesticated, at all. cooking with evan felt nice, it was nice that two people could appreciate a meal more than one person ever could. “you should agree to it, i mean, you did mention it. i do like ice cream a lot, but how can you hate it? unless you’re lactose intolerant, then you can’t help it…” jeremy rattled off, going back to cutting the vegetables. he could feel his stomach rumbling, and he thought about how he didn’t eat a single thing all day. his nerves were skyrocketed the whole day. he just couldn’t even think about eating anything except that bag of peanuts on the plane, but it solidified in his stomach every time he swallowed one. it always seemed that way, though, before their meetings. jeremy would ask thousands of questions in his head, and maybe that’s why he hated flying so much. he hated how he always seemed to be doing it alone, to think over and over again of how things could be different. how every thing could be completely different than what it was last time, how the flight could be the last one. the thoughts quickly melted away as evan began to speak, that’s how it always worked. whenever evan spoke, his voice deep and clear, it made every worry in jeremy’s bones melt away and ease from his memory. “it would be cute because we’re cute.” jeremy smiled down at their hands, warmth stuck in the middle, radiating. “lady and the tramp? oh, i haven’t seen that movie in so long.” jeremy laughed at the next comment, shaking his head slightly. “i really am the lady aren’t i? will you pamper me and buy me jewels and take me to foreign lands while i make love to you?” jeremy asked joking, his eyes bright and his smile brighter. “huh, maybe i did or maybe i’m just a natural at all this cooking stuff.” jeremy teased at, all while gently cutting up the vegetables in a semi-quick succession. well, there wasn’t a point in lying anymore. “how am i silly for pretending? maybe i just wanted you all over me and this was the best excuse for it. anyway, it definitely is not part ten of our little cooking series. maybe we should have a cooking show? jeremy and evan’s cooking hour.” jeremy found himself feeling light, feeling okay. he was sensitive and evan knew that, respected that. sometimes, jeremy would push himself to the brink, to throw caution to the wind and when it didn’t go the way he wanted, he would shut himself out until he got used to it. jeremy felt goosebumps rise on his arms as evan’s breath was so close to his ear, warm and quiet. it sent his stomach into a clenching knot and his brain into a white static frenzy. “give me some of that hand soap, i want nice hands,” jeremy breathed out, he could feel his feelings getting the better of him. his arm sent a spark throughout his body. he came back to reality and nodded his head, saying, “yeah, yeah. i’m making sure, i promise.”

jeremy didn’t care if anyone knew or didn’t know who he loved. sometimes, jeremy thought of how things would be different if evan and him weren’t a secret. even thinking of being a secret made his chest pinch uncomfortably. how they could hold hands freely, how jeremy could press a kiss to the edge of evan’s mouth, which he kept glancing at while he rested from chopping the vegetables. he thought about how one day they would be able to hold hands in public, that maybe evan would kiss him in front of everyone, that maybe none of them would be scared. jeremy didn’t care who he loved, woman or man, as long as they loved him back. finding evan was like jeremy waking up, it made him realize so many things. it made him realize how much he needed to care for someone, how much someone needed to care for him, himself. he would worry about everything in the comfort of a lonely room, in the fact that he would have to try so hard. how he had to resist even holding onto evan’s elbow even if it were for a few seconds just in case someone saw. he wondered what they would talk about, if this would even come up. he knew how many times evan closed up when it was mentioned and how jeremy had to coax him open once more. jeremy nodded quietly at evan’s word. “yeah,” he said quietly, trying not to have his voice drip with rejection. he knew being reckless even in that simple way was going to turn sour. jeremy threw evan a small smile as he began chopping the vegetables again, the sound of the crunch echoing out in the kitchen. he thought about how many couples’ nights like this would end in intimacy, how every time jeremy tried to go further, evan would step away. he mentally called himself stupid and foolish for thinking things would change in that way, but didn’t show any sign of beating himself up outwardly. he could feel the hurt radiate off of his body, how he wanted to lock it up. he didn’t want evan to be worried about him, about his selfish desires. “i hope you’re hungry,” jeremy said quietly, as he pushed the peppers aside and went to grab more vegetables. he knew this was his defense mechanism, to ignore the situation at hand and pretend it never existed.

“yeah? what is it? or is it going to be a surprise until later?” his voice remained calm, the way it had all night. he could feel the tension in the air, not the awkward kind after a fight, but the sexual sort. the one that always happened but was never played on simply because of the fact that they weren’t ready. he could remember everyone asking when jeremy and evan would just get married already as a running joke on tour, or how they would eventually hook up, or how they would fall in love because people always tended to fall in love with their best friends. jeremy gasped quietly as evan pressed against him, feeling the heat trapped between their two bodies. the knife slipped from jeremy’s hand onto the board. he could feel their mingled breaths, how heavy it was and how warm evan’s breath was, panting against his neck. “let’s just. w – we can save this for later. whenever we’re done with this. i. i just want to spend time with you right now.” jeremy couldn’t help the gasp that escaped his lips, how he pushed back against evan. “e – evan,” he whimpered quietly, and as soon as it came, it went. jeremy bowed his head and put on his defensive smile, not letting anything in. “it’s okay, evan,” jeremy said, his hand reaching up and gripping onto evan’s waist, holding him there. “i was never afraid of you, evan. if i was afraid i wouldn’t be doing this. i wouldn’t be putting so much into keeping us a secret. i’ve been ready for any step you’re willing to take, but why are you so scared? if you think i’m going to runaway, i would’ve done it a while ago.” jeremy closed his eyes, and he could feel pain pressing on every side. he just wanted to stop thinking. he wanted evan to hold him close, to kiss him until he was breathless, to touch him until he could map out every part of jeremy’s skin. “i care about you, i need you to know that.” jeremy reached his hand up to hold onto evan’s, squeezing his hands gently. “i wish i could’ve came sooner, you know i would have.” jeremy felt a smile, a real smile, curve onto his lips. “i missed you, too. i don’t want to leave you anymore.”

TAGGED: STEPH AS EVAN WORD COUNT: 1, 366 NOTES: BABIES ;~;

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i love brooklyn from caution !!!

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[EVAN ELIAS SAUNDERS]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, margin: auto; width: 400px; background: #c7e0d6; opacity: .8; border: 3px solid #000000; padding: 15px; line-height: 85%;] - - - - - - - - - if this is love, it's all i'll ever need whenever i'm away from you i feel so incomplete - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - the thought of intimacy scared evan. that was the plain and simple fact, even if it mostly went unspoken. there was a difference between desire and all the mechanisms that came with it, and getting close to another human had always made him nervous. what if they would treat him poorly once he let them in, what if that was the only thing they wanted from him? he had been in numerous relationships in his teenage years, having been able to take on the manly role of being the driven one in that sense, but at some point in time unknown to him all of that had changed. perhaps the idea of being a typical man made him skeptical and led to him questioning his morals and the way he treated others in that way, and evan had then grown to fear something that one came naturally. attraction was fickle, and he learned it from a young age that even if the human eye finds something or someone pleasing there was a difference between really wanting it or just going for it for the sake of ability and convenience. that's how everyone worked nowadays, how most males worked, but he wasn't like most at all. not even close. sometimes he wished he were more of what he let on than he really was normally. maybe things wouldn't be so hard. he found himself wondering how they had made it to this point, how the year had gone so fast and how their friendship had quickly turned into something more than that. taking in another deep breath, evan took his eyes away from jeremy's neck and the marks his teeth had just started to leave moments before. he was slightly feeling like he was having an outer body experience via his memory of the last few minutes, how jeremy's body language was like a magnet to metal, calling out to him and pulling him closer on the account of gravity, but in their case it was heat and feelings. evan knew that jeremy had deep desire to fix him or make him something better, and as much as evan desired the same, you couldn't shove out old habits. he would have to get over his irrational fears in his own time rather than being pushed to by someone he cared about. the air was a little different now that evan had released the inner thoughts in his head out into the open, both verbally and with the sheer action, and he put his hand on the back of his head, massaging his skull and messing up his hair from back to front in a gesture of half frustration and half thought. his eyes flickered back to jeremy, both their orbs meeting in a semi-sort of glance, and evan felt even more bad than he had before. he knew that he had an unintentional habit of making jeremy feel like he was rejecting him and pushing him away, that he didn't want any of this even if that thought was the opposite of the truth. "sorry." it was all he could whisper without sounding angry or anything, and his voice was just quiet and withdrawn rather than anything else. the tension when it came to this always drove him crazy, and because it was such a reoccuring issue (even though jeremy would never seem to bring it up whenever it occured again) evan always felt like it took away from every visit, slowly picking away at both their personal issues and fears and taking a toll on their time together as a couple. he lifted his head a little again and let out another long sigh, resolving to quit his altercation escape of looking at the floor and making himself look like a guilty little puppy. it was reassuring to feel jeremy's hands on his waist, knowing that he couldn't and wasn't allowed to physically run from the issue even if he would never do that either way, and evan's body relaxed just a little bit as he looked at his partner. "it's not okay, though," he started, exasperately, but he shut his mouth once jeremy had begun to talk a little more. evan closed his eyes briefly, letting it sink in a little bit before responding. "i know you're not afraid, you're the less afraid one out of the two of us. maybe i'm old and i've got no adventure in me now for the unknown in all of this stuff." he looked away. "i know how it is, how people sacrifice things to be with someone they care about, and i really do love that you'd do all of this for me. but do you know how bad i feel? when i can't be the ideal person that you want me to be, with all of the fears and paranoia i have about this whole thing?" another pause, and his throat was getting dry from how much he felt his temperature was rising in embarrassment and distressed emotion. "i know you're not going to run away, you're so fucking devoted to me already and god, i'm so thankful to have someone like you in my life even if i don't deserve it." evan felt so pathetic and dramatic, and maybe for once he was being the girly one by making a big deal over nothing. he had been at the recieving end of it from past ex girlfriends, so it was definitely different to be the one doing it. except the things he was having problems and anxiety over was actually legit and not petty drama. evan broke away from jeremy's grip for a second, needing to move and pace around even if he liked the hold he had on him. he turned on his heel, eyes still with the same distressed look within even though they were more sad this time as he looked at jeremy. "you shouldn't have to be with a person that is like... like me. like this." what did that even mean? he had tried to explain it more than once, but it just never seemed to make sense. it was like a brick to the head, that thought - what was he REALLY afraid of? was it the intimacy, the sexuality of the whole thing that they would eventually face and seemingly getting to that road more quickly than before? was it the fact that he wasn't as comfortable with who he was as much as he had thought before, being that he was afraid to have anyone know about this relationship? or was it really the fact that evan was in denial about the possible love that he had for jeremy, scared of some sort of bout of bad luck that would curse their relationship like it had happened to him in the past? yeah, it was one huge mixture of the three, but the biggest problem was that evan had trouble admitting all of these things to anyone. he always felt like jeremy looked him like some sort of hero, someone who could save him from anything and teach him how to be. and god, the way jeremy was looking at him right now made his heart sink. "i'm sorry, jer," he found himself saying, his voice small as he looked back at him, his fingertips scratching at his chin. "i don't know why i'm really scared, jer. i wish i could explain it all to you but i feel like a dick for ruining the beginning of your trip. you just got here, we're supposed to have dinner, we're supposed to smile and laugh with each other." he put his hands in jeremy's and stood before him, moving eventually to have himself be held again by the other boy just as he had been before breaking away to pace before. evan's palms rested on jeremy's face, touching his skin. "and, i know you care about me. i care about you, too. believe that, please. i want you here, cause just as much as you've put effort into making me feel comfortable and all that you do with keeping it all a secret, i do the same type of thing with you, with my effort. i wouldn't be worried and nervous about how you feel and what i do to affect you if i didn't care. and i know, it's stupid for me to think that you would run away, but it's a mechanism that i have with thought." he let out a very long sigh, not sure where this could go now aside from his desire to make it up to jeremy. he knew that all he said wasn't really an explanation, but at least it was an answer and jeremy had something to keep him sane. at the feel of jeremy's hand squeezing his, evan smiled softly at the gesture. "you're bringing me back to center. just by doing that and like, being you. so thank you," he said quietly, placing a kiss on jeremy's cheek and then on his lips briefly, noticing that there was a smile when their lips touched. "maybe you won't have to leave, soon." evan found himself really kissing jeremy in the next few moments that followed. things like this didn't just feel right with anyone else as much as it did with his best friend, as much as that could have sound any kinds of weird. "let's just order in for tonight and i'll cook this stuff for you tomorrow, for lunch?" he said between another kiss, his hands resting on jeremy's side in a mirror gesture of what he had been doing for so long now. in his mind, as they kissed each other without conviction or care, he could hear the recollection of minutes ago, how his name sounded escaping jeremy's lips as he kissed at his neck, and evan felt a that weird warmth in the bottom of his stomach again. the whole kitchen atmosphere was losing its momentum as something magical or special, and his head spinning from all that overthinking made him just at least want to sit down on the couches. "let's call in," he persisted a little sweetly, quietly, grabbing one of the usual menu sets from one of the counter drawers as he led jeremy by the hand to his living room. "we can just, you know. close the blinds and light a candle and cuddle and spend time here while we wait for delivery." his corgi, darcy, was napping in her dog bed in the corner, oblivious to the fact that they were together again, and evan liked that setting better - having a moment on the couch with the dog being all quiet in the corner, since she wouldn't be later. "darcy's been missing you." he looked at jeremy again as they settled on the couch, evan's arm around jeremy's shoulders and his hand coaxing him closer next to him. "i like you a lot, you know, and i'm glad you're here," he said, leaning his head against jeremy's. "please don't forget that even if i'm the most terrible person. and pick whatever you want from the menu, haha. final decision." he laughed and fought a yawn back as he kicked off his shoes and relaxed against the cushions of the couch, watching jeremy in his peripheral vision while his fingers gently stroked the exposed skin of his arm. "ev and jer time, before tour and no interruptions, as promised." for lizz / 1914 words / ugh this was in circles as i tried moving along idk but look at him :c

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[JEREMY STEVEN WHITE]

[atrb=border,0,true][atrb=style, width: 400px; height: 380px; background-color:#FFFFFF; border-left: 3px solid #000000; border-right: 3px solid #000000;] you said i'm crazy, IF I'M CRAZY FOR YOU

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jeremy hated these conflicting feelings. how one moment everything was fine, that they were happy and smiling at one another and the next moment they were trying to save themselves from doing the wrong thing. there wasn’t a wrong thing between them. the wandering touches that sometimes stalled in their cautious path, how their tongues fumbled with one another and how their heat screamed between their bodies. jeremy never knew the touch of another man before he met evan. sometimes he would think of it would feel, how it would feel to feel the rough texture of facial over his own skin, how it felt to feel toughened skin latch onto him and hold him close. jeremy was never vocal about his desires or his wants, rather he was actually very quiet about them until it reached a point where it seemed like it would all but consume him. meeting evan was something of fate to jeremy. how jeremy fell into his kind smile and tender eyes, how his fingers were soft despite the guitar that should’ve roughened the skin, but it didn’t. at first evan was just jeremy’s best friend. just someone he could always hang out with on tour when they weren’t playing and they spent all their time together. jeremy would sometimes look at evan’s lips for longer than necessary or hug him longer than necessary, too. it was just that evan’s touch lured jeremy in, and it kept him prisoner. every night he would fall asleep with the confusion that was evan saunders in his head. he would wonder what was happening to him, how he could develop such forbidden feelings for something he wanted so desperately but could not even touch in the way his body ached for. when evan kissed jeremy last summer, his lips smooth and the taste of beer and mixed alcohol lingering on both of their tongues, it felt like everything was leading up to this. that maybe evan longed to touch jeremy and fell asleep to the barest need of hoping it would happen one day. jeremy was known for his patience, for expressing that he was willing to wait, especially to evan. when evan beckoned for him, jeremy would come and until then, he would hold himself over and treasure the simplest touch or the barest kiss that he could get from him. jeremy’s fingers traced the marks on his neck gently, and he could feel that he was shaking slightly. maybe from the desire that circled in the pit of his stomach as if it were a snake coiling and uncoiling in fast progression. meeting evan’s glance was something that showed evan what jeremy was truly feeling. hurt, upset, rejected. he quickly looked away, regaining his composure, hoping that it wouldn’t slip out. he was usually good at guarding himself. he sighed deeply and scrubbed at one of his eyes, his hands still shaking.

jeremy shrugged helplessly, his thin shoulders pressing against evan’s body. he didn’t want to be near him at the moment, his body still playing tricks on him. he didn’t want to say it was fine, because it wasn’t. none of this was okay. “sometimes i just get tired of this,” jeremy whispered back. it felt as if all the heat was sucked out of the room and replaced with the cold tension that separated them. jeremy kept his hold on evan’s waist for the simple reassurance that he needed, that evan hungered for but did not show. jeremy looked down at the cutting board, the bright colors of the vegetables distracting him from the situation at hand. he suddenly felt much too old for nineteen and he wanted everything to stop for the simple sake that he just wanted to hold evan. to kiss away his pain and hurt and reassure him that everything would be fine. “you’re only twenty one, not eighty six,” jeremy replied. “i don’t care. i don’t care for how long i have to wait, because every time i try, every time i wish for a step forward, we go two steps back. i can’t push you, so i don’t. i need you to grow on your own, to get over whatever paranoid thought you have. sex isn’t going to make me runaway, you’re not going to make me runaway…” jeremy’s voice felt distressed to him and tired. his eyes closed at the next sentence, his body taking in a breath. “i feel like a girl for how devoted i am to you. how wrapped around your finger i am. you do deserve it, but i just wish i would get it back.” jeremy could feel his stomach clench as he said the last few words. his hands clenched on the counter as jeremy looked down at the counter, the space between him and evan ever expanding. his head began to hurt and he opened his eyes, his vision foggy. “i want to be with you.” was jeremy’s simple answer.

jeremy loved evan. he could feel it coursing in his body like a river and he wanted to sleep. to sleep all of this away until they were fine, until they were finally happy. he could remember how many times he was close to slipping up and saying that he loved evan, but he knew that evan would run away. that he would lock himself out from the world and keep jeremy far away because they were going to fast. christ, even evan’s parents didn’t know they were dating. jeremy suddenly felt devastated at the realization. how no one besides them knew what they were. he looked at evan, searching for something. for anything that could be a helpful reassurance that jeremy wasn’t making a mistake. he simply closed his eyes at the apology, the hurt spreading all over his body. he opened them slowly after a couple of seconds, his knuckles a waxy white on the counter top. “we have a week, don’t we? we can make it up, it’s only been a few hours since i got here anyway, it’s not like the trip is ruined.” jeremy smiled gently, masking the other emotions that he felt in his chest, his voice sounding lighter. happier. he felt his arms rest lightly on evan’s hips, and he looked at evan’s face. his hand rested on evan’s wrist after a few seconds, and squeezed near the pulse point, feeling the happy jump. “i just want you to be alright, is all. tell me you’ll be okay?” jeremy’s eyes were pleading in the smallest of ways as he looked evan with a soft smile. “when will i leave then?”

in the next few seconds, jeremy and evan were kissing. not in their shy and cautious way, but in the reckless manor that sometimes jeremy felt himself craving. jeremy could feel the press of hot skin that was evan’s neck as he pressed his hand to evan’s pulse point and curled around his soft tanned skin. jeremy’s chest was pumping against his ribcage, bruising in the intensity of each beat. “that sounds fine. cook for me tomorrow and make me swoon or something equally gay in that manor,” jeremy joked as his lips pressed against evan’s again, craving so much. jeremy could feel the tug that evan was giving him, and he could realize why they were leaving the kitchen. it probably wasn’t the best idea to kiss and be a merry couple when they were just having a tough moment there moments before. jeremy’s whole body felt warm, but the comfortable hum of warmth from a touch that he adored. “okay, okay,” jeremy answered back, his lips curling in a smile. jeremy loosely went with evan to the couches, his mind in a white static bliss as evan continued to the speak. “that sounds like the perfect idea to me. are you going to use one of your scented candles again?” jeremy teased, feeling his body plop heavily onto the couch. boy, he suddenly felt like he had been walking on his feet all day. “she has? i’ll give her some cuddles later when she’s up because i missed her too.” jeremy moved closer to evan as he felt coaxed into it, their bodies pressing together in a heavy warmth and jeremy could fall asleep just like this. “i like you a lot, too.” jeremy pressed a kiss to evan’s shoulder, feeling the word love replace like in such a tender kiss. “you’re not a terrible person i promise. a terrible person wouldn’t let me pick food from the menu.” jeremy fingered through the menu. “maybe we should just get some pizza or i could go for some tortellini right now, i can’t lie. what do you want?” jeremy asked, his bright blue eyes looking up at evan. jeremy felt himself blush and said, “no interruptions. just us.”

TAGGED: STEPH AS EVAN WORD COUNT: 1, 476 NOTES: AT LEAST THEY'RE HAPPYISH NOW ):

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i love brooklyn from caution !!!

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